There was a time when this boy was my entire world. When days were spent between the two of us, trying to figure out this motherhood thing. He was my guinea pig. He was the whole reason I stayed at home at all.
I hardly remember that little boy. In fact, it is easy for me to forget just how small he once was. It's easy to forget that he was a toddler once. When I look at the refined 5-year-old that he is today, it is hard for me to remember that he was once a little guy.
During my pregnancy with him early in 2006, I knew that I would stay at home with him after he was born. I quit my nursing job fairly early in that pregnancy due to my morning sickness and finished my last semester for my BSN. I remember the summer months before he was born, just daydreaming about having a little baby and wondering what on earth I was supposed to do with a little person all day long. I remember thinking I'd be ok with a baby, but that I had NO earthly idea what I would do with a toddler. Oh, how times have changed.
Since he came along, we have added two more to our fold; kids who don't even have a real identity aside from being their brother or sister. His poor sister follows him around endlessly, just trying to keep up with the busy boy that he is. She idolizes him and adores him in every way. Sure, they argue and bicker (like I remember doing with my siblings), but they love each other to death. And don't even get me started on Nicholas and Nathan; those two have a special relationship all of their own. I love to watch them together.
Here we are on the fringes of what will be his first-ever real breaking away. The boy who became my reason to be a stay-at-home-mom in the first place will soon fly the coop and enter Kindergarten. I won't spend my days in the old familiar ways, saying, "Nathan, get down from the counter!" or "Nathan, be quiet and take a nap!". It seems like this house may feel a bit empty for a while.
You may remember the angst I felt with regard to the boy's first birthday, and I am likening those feelings to the ones I am feeling at the moment. There is just a general dread for the future because time is flying by at rapid pace and I, for the life of me, cannot figure out how to push the pause button. My stomach is in knots when I think about the way the last 5+ years have gone by me with the snap of a finger, and even moreso when I think about how I hardly remember it all.
I am fine... we will all be fine... Nathan will do great, I have no worries with regard to that. But this end of an era is going to shake things up a bit and I am just going to have to adjust to it all.